Helter Coulter in a springtime swelter

SOMETIMES good ideas happen to bad people. Such is the case with the new book Surviving the Toxic Workplace, written by U.S. author and psychotherapist Linnda Durré.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with Durré. She apparently identifies various types of unappetizing co-worker, from “The Smiling Cobra” to “The Naysayer,” and offers instructions on how to improve them. The problem is that the book would have been so much more gripping if written by somebody with an identifiable agenda -- somebody like Ann Coulter.

As you probably know, Coulter’s that elongated, false-eye-lashed blonde former lawyer who’s trotted out on U.S. TV whenever a right wing female view is called for and Sarah Palin is snowed in. Among her books are If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans and Guilty: Liberal ‘Victims’ and Their Assault on America. According to Coulter, America is always being assaulted — as a social conservative, you’d think she’d tell it to dress less provocatively.

Over-inflated opinions dart from Coulter like corn kernels from screaming hot oil. She made news this week when she blew out of all proportion a polite caution from the provost of the University of Ottawa. U of O’s Francois Houle suggested that before her speech, Coulter might want to familiarize herself with Canada’s laws pertaining to the promotion of hatred. This may have been prompted by such Coulter bon mots as “not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims” and the suggestion that the U.S. government should be “spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport … and sending liberals to Guantanamo.”

Houle’s mild warning that “promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges” instantly brought Coulter’s vat of simmering bile to the boil. According to the Globe and Mail, she told newsmax.com in a typically fact-based e-mail, “The provost of the u. of Ottawa is threatening to criminally prosecute me for my speech there … before I’ve even set foot in the country!”

Coulter proceeded to tell an audience at the University of Western Ontario, the first of three dates on her tour, that being asked to use “restraint, respect and consideration” when she spoke to students meant she was herself a victim of a hate crime. She was further incensed when protesters caused her U of O speech to be cancelled on Tuesday due to safety concerns. Coulter trumpeted that this meant the university was “bush league” and its students were low achievers. She’ll be filing a complaint with the Human Rights Commission – a grand use of Canadian taxpayer dollars.

My thesis is that a woman this shrewd is wasted on mere punditry. She should establish schools to teach people how to behave at work, and, extrapolating from that, at home. We need more people like Coulter in our offices and at the heads of our dinner tables, keeping the rest of us on our toes by identifying our most worthless beliefs and practices, and explaining how they don’t fit into the correct world-view.

According to Wikipedia, for instance, the pundit has said that it would be better if everybody were Christian, and that Christians like herself believe they are “perfected Jews.” Oh, how I wish she had written a guide like Durré’s, called Promoting the Toxic Workplace.

She’s also postulated that it would be smart to take the vote away from American women if it meant the country would never again elect a Democratic president. Is there something in the coffee she’s drinking? If so, offices with employees who want to be worth their salt, Coulter-style, should order their French roast from the same Unfair Trade supplier.

Those modeling themselves on Coulter would have to start dressing down their Arab co-workers, too, for according to her, racial profiling is the only way to go. She claims she only wants to fly on airlines that subject Arabs to “egregious discrimination” and that airlines looking to amp up ticket sales should boast about the lawsuits that result.

“If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether,” Coulter has suggested, telling the Guardian newspaper that Muslims who wish to travel should use “flying carpets.” A Muslim student at her University of Western Ontario appearance reportedly told Coulter that he or she did not have a magic carpet and asked what other mode of transport the American would recommend. “Take a camel,” Coulter replied.

There’s no room for what she deems to be political correctness in Coulter’s universe. For her, terms like “faggot” (which she applied to then-Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards), “raghead,” “jihad monkey,” “camel jockey” and “tent merchant” (Muslims) aren’t offensive, just descriptive.

I think we can safely assume office meetings in Coulter’s ideal workplace would be lively with spry pejoratives and energetic metaphors. After all, this is the woman who once called Barack Obama’s critically acclaimed autobiography, Dreams from My Father, a “Dimestore Mein Kampf.” Mein Kampf, in case you need reminding, was Adolf Hitler’s memoir cum ideological statement, the one where he discusses the “Jewish peril,” among other prophetic themes.

But who needs the Obamas of the world, those idealistic individuals whose goals are racial harmony, understanding and equality, when you can take the more entertaining divisive view? Even off the public stage, why not assume that you and those who share your religion, race and political viewpoint are patently superior, and devote all your efforts to advancing your mutual causes? Offices need much more of that attitude.

Once the females, the ethnics and the wusses at work have been ridiculed and made to admit their deficiencies, providing a toxic home life should be Job Two. Coulter, who (mercifully) is unmarried and has no children, would doubtless endorse the opinion that any boy who cries should be called a faggot, any girl who supports universal healthcare be denied the opportunity to graduate from high school, and dusky-skinned North American students – Muslim or not -- be forced to take the bus on cross-country school trips rather than letting them board planes.

Really, there’s no end to the value of Ann Coulter’s teachings. Shame on you, U of O, for suggesting that her speech stay within the bounds of decency. Forget a mere Human Rights complaint -- we all lose when Ann Coulter is silenced.  I’d call that a crime against humanity, if I were her.