Nude recreationist propaganda, disrobed

I know when I’m wanted.

Lately, I’ve been receiving none too subtle hints from the American Association for Nude Recreation that it longs to see me naked.

Since nobody else does -- and I put myself at the top of that list -- I have to say I’m flattered.

These people will use any excuse to get a gander at my naughty bits. And not just mine -- when the would-be Nigerian bomber caused airport security to be bumped up to its current annoying degree, the AANR instantly went on-record, fully endorsing the airport installation of full body scanning machines.

AANR Executive Director Erich Schuttauf explained the group’s philosophy. “‘Polls regularly show that about one in five North Americans have skinny-dipped in mixed company already,'” he wrote. “'So if travelers just think of the screen as a virtual skinny dip, something regarded (to be) as American as apple pie since before Norman Rockwell, everyone wins in the name of better air travel security. And as an added bonus, you can add the experience to your ‘bucket list’ as a virtual dipping of one’s toe into taking a Nakation – that’s a nudist vacation!’”

It seems to me that “one’s toe” is the least of one’s worries vis-à-vis full body scans, but then, I’m shy. Schuttauf stopped short of saying we should all be forced to fly completely starkers -- especially pilots -- but I imagine he’d feel that’s the next most sensible step. (Meanwhile, another of my harebrained correspondents, Idaho’s Scottevest, emailed me to say that Scottevest’s multi-pocket travel clothing is ideal for avoiding carry-on and extra-bag fees. Clothes on top of my clothes – as a middle-aged Canadian, I’m all for that.)

The AANR bills itself as “the oldest and largest group representing nudists in the U.S. and Canada.” (By largest, I’m not sure whether it means in mass or in volume.) As “the credible voice of reason on issues relevant to nude recreation and Nakationing in appropriate settings” – an oxymoronic description if ever I heard one -- it is also, evidently, recruiting.

Why else are its p.r. reps sending me news releases, except in hopes of wearing me down? These peel-it-off propagandists are sneaky in their efforts. My guess is that the AANR scouted out my local populace and found it to be one of the continent’s most attractive. Nice skin, due to the moisture in the air; nice legs, due to the hills. At any rate, they’re trying to get to my readership through me – that much is clear. By swaying me to their line of thinking, they hope to commandeer my blog and have me send you subtle messages every week that will result in the packing of nearby beaches, mountain bike trails, and possibly even convenience stores, with comely nudists. In their dreams, I'll be your lumpen bellwether.

I’m not sure what’s in this recruitment move for them, other than new scenery, for the one thing you probably can’t do to nudists is sell them anything. What do they need, beyond a hat?

More eye candy, is my guess. Which may be why the AANR a few months ago, before the Vancouver-Whistler 2010 Games, sent me a release announcing, “it’s time to take a fresh look at the robust ways of the ancient Greeks, who performed feats of strength and skill during the first Olympics. And, to point out that the first Olympics was the earliest documented form of, you guessed it, nude recreation. In the ancient city of Olympia, the site of these first Olympics, the athletes always competed in the nude. In fact, in Greek, ‘gymnos’ means ‘nude.’”

“And your point?” I would have had to say crisply if approached in person by one of the group’s, er, members. The “credible voice of reason” seemed to have forgotten that Vancouver’s were Winter Games. Nudity was all very well when the athletes were sweatily scampering and throwing discs every which-way under a Grecian sun. In snowy Whistler, ski jumpers performing in the altogether would have been humiliated by much more (or less) than a poorly rated landing. Meanwhile, the potential hazards for biathletes on skis toting rifles are simply too painful to imagine.

The AANR remains tireless. The other week, one of its releases got behind (as it were) Spirit Airlines’ implementation of a fee for carry-on baggage. This time, Schuttauf advised “‘To avoid added baggage stress as you embark upon a vacation, whose purpose is to de-stress and rejuvenate you, plan a Nakation – a vacation to a nudist resort! All you’ll need for the week (sunscreen, cap, sunglasses, shoes and toiletries) can fit in a small carry on that will fit under the seat, avoiding even carry on bag fees.”

The release went on to reveal that “The American Association of Nude Recreation has over 250 member clubs, resorts, campgrounds and RV parks from which to choose for your Nakation, all found at www.aanr.com.” I will indeed check out their locations, so I can scrupulously avoid them in my vacation planning. The perils of nude beaches have already been brutally chronicled in this blog.

Schuttauf added, “‘If more air travelers take a stand and a Nakation in 2010, it could send a message to the airlines using checked and unchecked baggage fees as a way to charge the vacationing masses more money in this tight economy.’”

I think we can safely assume that Schuttauf also believes the only way for economists to determine the exact degree of tightness of the economy is, yes, by taking their clothes off.

All right, already, Mr. Schuttauf. Will you and your fellow buck-naked snake oil salesmen back off if I agree to write my blog, from this moment on, wearing only a smile? Done.

Gentle reader, you see what I do for you? Please return the favour by never appearing au naturel at any beach. I promise I will do the same.

Thank-you, and you’re welcome.