Bad news for the jaded

ACCORDING to a new report, boredom can kill us.

I must therefore conclude that my Facebook friends are slowly murdering me with detailed updates on their antics. (In lieu of flowers at my funeral, send donations to The International Luddites Preserve, a charity that enables people to wander around dedicated parkland that’s free from the sight of others babbling into cellphones or pawing at crackberries.)

I finally understand why everyone but yours truly seems to be signing up for all those money-making courses and holistic workshops and tango marathons and weed-whacking competitions, and to be volunteering for every last vegan bake sale and twig clean-up and cat-hair braiding seminar. But in saving themselves from death by boredom, do my acquaintances have to crucify me by keeping me abreast of their shenanigans?

Of course, in their frenzied pursuit of all that activity they probably missed the international news re: ennui. According to the Globe and Mail, in the late 1980s, University College London examined the responses made by some 7,500 35-55-year-old British civil servants to the question of how bored they’d been over the previous month. Then, in April, 2009, the authors of the report combed the registry records to see which of these people had passed away. Respondents who had whinged that they’d suffered “a great deal” of boredom were 40 percent more likely to have died of heart disease, despite having shown no evidence of a predisposition for it.

The university used these results to jump to a few conclusions. “We found that those who report quite a lot or a great deal of boredom are more likely to be younger, to be women, to rate their health worse, to be in low employment grades and to report lower activity levels,” wrote authors Annie Britton and Martin Shipley. They felt that these cubicle potatoes may have attempted to conquer their anomie via drug abuse, smoking or drinking, which then led to an early demise.

Boredom is a curious thing, as it’s based entirely on one’s personal point of view. It’s not as though there’s an unbiased monitor of what’s dull and what isn’t.

My guess is that in February, 2010 in Vancouver, few of us are bored. There is more to do here today than there has ever been before. But those of us who still feel listless in the face of the Winter Olympic fervour needn’t despair. In this day and age, there’s always somebody ready to give us idiotic advice on even the dumbest topics. Check out www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Boredom. You’ve never seen more stultifying counsel.

“There are lots of reasons one might be bored,” this online how-to guide informs us cannily. “The most common one is that you have no idea what to do. But other reasons might be you feel lazy or tired or just don’t want to do the things that are available for you to do.”

First step, according to Wikihow, which seems to have razor-sharp psychological acumen: “Try to figure out why you are bored.” Then, “Attempt to change your thoughts.”

If you reach a dead end there, here are some other inspired options suggested on the site: Talk to other people; “go through some motions,” whatever that means; and, my favourite, keep a journal. Gosh, that journal would be some mighty good readin’, eh? “Deaaaarrrr Diaaaaarrrrrryyyyyy, I am bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. I tried talking to a librarian, then I went through some motions, but I felt myself nodding off, which was sooooooooooo boring. Now I’m going to try something else Wikihow suggests – painting my nails an ‘odd or interesting colour.’ ”

Not feeling the love yet? Wikihow has some more sage advice. “Bake something. Note: make sure you actually have some baking skills before burning your house down!”

Alternatively, “Make a list of everything you want to do before you die. Note: this is not supposed to be depressing or suicidal.” Wow, Wikihow – you cover all the bases.

Here’s another shrewd pointer. “Reminisce about the good summers you used to have.” (Note the use of the past tense.) “You can write a novel about it.” (It’s true, you can. But must you?)

Even more advice on giving yourself a thrill-a-minute comes from Wikihow, which is fast becoming my most useful news source. “Make a list of everything you can do with a penny. Flip it? Put it in your shoe? Get a gumball? Go to Home Depot? Give it to a hobo? Be creative.” I can just imagine the reaction you’d get from a “hobo” --especially in Vancouver over the next fortnight -- if you were to give him a penny. It would be exciting, I’ll grant you that.

“Say something to a random person and make a random face!” says Wikihow, blissfully unaware that this is how world wars start.

But at this point on its list of tips, Wikihow is tired of watching its readers pout. It wishes to play the blame game. “If you are easily bored, look within,” it suggests, Zen-like. “A bored person might be a boring person.”

Really? Oh, dear. With that condemnation, some of us may begin grappling with self-esteem issues. Wikihow has, so to speak, an app for that. Apparently you can instantly become interesting, just by doing this. “In the middle of a crowded public place just start staring at the ceiling. Have your friends do it in another area close by and keep up with your scores of how many people you get to look at the ceiling.”

I’d like to finish these instructions for Wikihow, as it appears to have lost interest in fully fleshing out this scheme. Here goes. After you count how many people you have gotten to look at the ceiling, apply for U.K. citizenship. As soon as you receive it, join the British civil service. It must need new recruits, and with Wikihow’s support, your speedy rise to the top is guaranteed.