Once again, an actor saves the day

NEWS item: A United Nations special day drew a big player to Afghanistan in September.

SCENE: A marketplace, Afghanistan. Two gaunt, bearded merchants sit side by side in the sun, cross-legged, as customers drift by, Bashir selling puny onions, Abdullah selling battered old videos from under a blanket. Abdullah is heating water in a pot set over a small flame.

BASHIR: Hey, Abdullah!

ABDULLAH: Whazzup, Bashir?

BASHIR: Huh?

ABDULLAH: That means ‘What is happening upon your gravelly hillock?’

BASHIR: I see. I also see you are still selling American videos. That culture of Satan has taught you slang that is beyond my understanding.

ABDULLAH: (Pours the water into a teapot) Whatever.

BASHIR: Abdullah, I have just learned that there was a huge event, one that you should have attended, yet you missed it.

ABDULLAH: Yes, I know. Prayers. It happens many times a day, my friend. I miss some, I do some.

BASHIR: No, not prayers, Abdullah.

ABDULLAH: (Alarmed) An attack, then?

BASHIR: Not that I know of, but nobody tells me nothing.

ABDULLAH: What was it then, Bashir?

BASHIR: The United Nations held a special day last month! Were you not aware?

ABDULLAH: Not ‘Give Your Donkey a Break Day’ again? Or was this the day where you can wear jeans to work if you pay a few coins, but of course nobody wears jeans because nobody has any jeans, and nobody has any work, either, thanks to the war and the Taliban.

BASHIR: You know we must not discuss the Taliban.

ABDULLAH: (Weary) Yeah, yeah, -ix-nay on the -alibanTay.

BASHIR: I am not following you. (Covers his ears) La la la….

ABDULLAH: Okay, Bashir -- let us not talk of the Taliban. Please just get to the point. What is the ‘United Nations’ again? England, America and France?

BASHIR: It is pretty much everybody. Sometimes U.N. emissaries drop by and give us a little food. Terrible stuff.

ABDULLAH: Agreed! Aren’t they based in America, land of plenty? You’d think they’d bring something tasty. I’d kill for a bit of leavened bread.

BASHIR: But not literally, right?

ABDULLAH: (Springs to his feet) Why -- do you have some?

BASHIR: (Alarmed) Of course not! Sit back down! (Abdullah slowly sits. He pulls two cups from beneath his blanket) You and I go back a long way. If I had any leavened bread, I would of course share it with you.

(Abdullah pours tea into the cups and hands one to Bashir)

ABDULLAH: I’m sorry, Bashir. I don’t know what got into me ­-- but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a cheeseburger!

BASHIR: (Laughs) Well, decades of war and deprivation certainly haven’t hurt your sense of humour!

(Abdullah sighs and slurps a mouthful of tea. They are silent a moment)

ABDULLAH: Anyway, Bashir, what about this special day? What happened? What were we supposed to do for it?

BASHIR: I think we were just supposed to show up.

ABDULLAH: Show up where?

BASHIR: I’m not sure. My radio kept cutting out.

ABDULLAH: What was in it for us?

BASHIR: You’ll never guess -- peace!

(Abdullah looks at him incredulously)

ABDULLAH: The United Nations wanted us to show up in large crowds for peace?

BASHIR: Yes!

ABDULLAH: Why?

BASHIR: To prove we were aware there is such a thing as peace.

ABDULLAH: My friend, I am speechless.

BASHIR: I doubt that, Abdullah! (Bashir claps Abdullah on the back, laughing) Perhaps they wanted us to know there’s an alternative to war.

ABDULLAH: (Bitter) In our dreams.

BASHIR: I thought you would have gone to International Peace Day.

ABDULLAH: (Sarcastic) I couldn’t. I have nothing to wear for peace awareness. Only for war awareness.

BASHIR: But I forgot to tell you the best part, Abdullah!

ABDULLAH: I can’t wait.

BASHIR: One of your favourite movie actresses was promoting this day of ceasefire beforehand, in Kabul. That English girl -- Judy something.

ABDULLAH: Judi Dench? She’s too old to be called a ‘girl.’

BASHIR: No! I heard it on BBC. Judy … Judy … Judy Law!

ABDULLAH: Jude Law is not a girl, either.

BASHIR: Still, she must have a beautiful ankle! So what if she is old?

ABDULLAH: No, Jude Law is a man -- a young man. He was in The Talented Mr. Ripley.

BASHIR: I am not familiar with it. What did he play?

ABDULLAH: A handsome rich man. He causes envy in Mr. Ripley, as well as in the audience. Mr. Ripley kills him.

BASHIR: Oh, now you have ruined it for me!

ABDULLAH: Bashir, how can I have ruined it for you? You never watch movies, for fear you’ll get in trouble with the -alibanTay.

BASHIR: But I like hearing the stories from you. It’s like the tales of 1,001 Nights, only with movies. I love when you are doing the voices. What else was Judy Law in?

ABDULLAH: Holiday.

BASHIR: I thought that was Bing Crosby.

ABDULLAH: That was Holiday Inn.

BASHIR: Ah, right. I like when you tell me that one.

ABDULLAH: In Holiday, Jude falls in love with Cameron Diaz after she trades her L.A. mansion for an English cottage owned by his sister, played by Kate Winslet, who winds up falling for Jack Black. The ‘teaser’ is ‘Two women find that a change of address can change their lives.’ Tell us about it, eh, Bashir?

BASHIR: (Shocked) Wait a minute -- a man falls in love with another man?

ABDULLAH: Well, it’s been known to happen, but in this case, Jude is a man and Cameron is a woman. But let me tell you about Cameron’s beautiful American house….

BASHIR: And they fall in love?

ABDULLAH: Yes. But the blinds in the bedroom….

BASHIR: (Throws up his hands in disgust) Ah, but now I know what happened! They fall in love! You have ruined this movie for me, as well.

ABDULLAH: Bashir, why don’t you just break down and watch a movie with the rest of us one of these days? It’s fun. We do it in the middle of the night, last Tuesday of the month, in Cave 12. Mind you, we were all disappointed in Holiday.

BASHIR: Why, Abdullah?

ABDULLAH: Kate Winslet with Jack Black -- as if!

BASHIR: If it was as foolish as you say, why should we have paid attention to the advice of Judy Law?

ABDULLAH: Beats me.

BASHIR: I am glad I didn’t go.

ABDULLAH: Me, too. Bashir, have I ever told you the tale of The Wizard of Oz? Another Judy, Judy Garland, is in it. There are flying monkeys!

BASHIR: (Smiles) Go on, Abdullah.