INTRODUCTORY
remarks by Lexi Donnelly, Coach:
Hola, everybody! I see we’re all showered and fresh after
our morning workout on the rooftop here at Dubai’s glorious Burj Al Arab hotel!
But -- tsk-tsk! -- we seem to have a couple of stragglers
who missed the opening exercises and have just joined us here in Meeting Room
C. Welcome to Day One, Session One of Camp Do-Over – or, as I like to call it,
“the camp for naughty grown-ups fresh from their very public time-outs.”
Now, as most of you know from our breakfast meet’n’greet,
I’m your coach and fearless leader, Lexi Donnelly. Woo-hoo! Would you two
newbies like to introduce yourselves? No need to tell us why you’re here –
we’ll Google you later.
I’m sorry, sir, I could barely hear you. Graydon Brown, was
it? Oops! Silly me – Gordon Brown. Right, ex-Prime Minister of Formerly Great
Britain! Gosh, you’ve got what my adult movie director friends call “a low growl.”
Maybe we oughta mike ya. Kidding!
Mr. ex-Prime Minister, your neighbour there is Tiger Woods,
who’s actually on his fourth consecutive session of Camp Do-Over but he’s sure
he’ll graduate this time. Tiger, you opted out of the morning workout so you
could “golf,” am I right? Tiger? Halloo, Tiger, my eyes are up here!
Anyhoo, I see we’ve got a very special group this week, from
all over the place, and by the last day of camp we’ll be BFFs! Booya!
But first, more introductions. We have another Brit with us
today, although for some crazy reason he’s got a Southern accent. Lamar McKay
is president of -- tut-tut! -- British Petroleum. Lamar’s the guy at breakfast
this morning who forgot to re-cap the ketchup bottle and left the lid off the
teapot. Incidentally, Lamar, zipper up! Isn’t there anything you can keep
contained? Ha!
Over here, we’ve got a couple of Canadians who’ve made
instant friends with everybody – Rahim Jaffer, a businessman with “ties” to
Canada’s government, as he keeps telling us, and Kash Heed, an on-again,
off-again solicitor general. Kash, FYI, anything you say or do here at Camp
Do-Over can and will be used against you! Tee-hee!
Now, you’ve probably noticed the absence of women in our
group. Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Naomi Campbell and Octo-Mom may join us
later for cocktails from the girls’ side of Camp Do-Over, if their coach,
Martha Stewart, lets them out of pie-making early. We think mixing the sexes
during the daytime is distracting. Tiger, reminder, hands above the table,
please. Tiger, puh-LEEZ.
I’m sorry, what was that, ex-Prime Minister Brown? You know
what, you’ll really have to speak up -- we don’t do muttering here. At least,
you shouldn’t. I can do whatever I darn well please! I’m the coach! Tiger, what
did the ex-P.M. say? I’m a bimbo? That was rude. Please stand in the corner, Mr. Brown, and stop your cranky
mumbling or I’ll get Tiger to stick a golf-ball in your pie-hole. No offense!
We’re all about respect here at Camp Do-Over -- or “Damp Poo-Cover,” as Tiger calls
it.
Now, this afternoon we’ve got an expert on the political
do-over coming to give you a talk on “resuscitating your reputation.” Maybe you
know him, Kash? He’s from your neck of the ’hood. Dill Hammerbomb, is it?
Where’s my Crackberry? No, it’s Bill Vander Zalm, “lately known as Lazarus,”
according to his p.r. thingy. Giggles!
This morning we’ve got a couple of rock stars who have some
advice for the group: Bonehead and Dumbledore. No, I’ve got that mixed up –
it’s Bono and Bob Geldof. They want to demonstrate how playing bad music
doesn’t have to mean you’ve got a bad attitude, or something like that. Oh,
actually on my Crackberry it says they’re saving Africa. What-ever! Hey, I don’t do the programming.
But, you know, why not save Africa, if you can? Or, you
know, the Gulf of Mexico, Lamar? Hint-hint!
Well, gosh, it’s quarter past – whaddaya know, the rock
stars are late. So I guess I should tell you a little more about the program.
We’re going to be keeping you mucho
busy this week between sessions, with aerobics, step classes, yoga, jet-skiing,
pomegranate tastings and the awesome meals we’ll eat together here at the Burj
Al Arab hotel. A personal plea: Do not order “the pork.” Charlie Sheen almost
caused an international incident at last week’s camp.
I’m sorry, Mr. ex-Prime Minister, what was that? Yes, you
can sit down now. Did you just ask “What about reading?” What about it? Is the
question whether I can read? Oh, I see -- when may you read? Hmm – I guess you
could squeeze it into the 15 minutes allotted to morning and afternoon
“reflection and improvement,” but most people just take a potty break.
You definitely cannot read during the sessions, and they
start at 6 a.m. and end at 8 p.m. Attention must be paid, to quote Shakespeare.
Nights are reserved for goat feasts where we enjoy spiritual counseling by
Deepak Chopra, Demi Moore and whatnot. Sometimes Madonna drops by and gives
campers a surprise self-actualization seminar. Please don’t look her in the eye
or speak to her -- you’ll turn into stone. LOL! Actually, I’m not kidding.
You’ll fall into bed -- alone -- around midnight. If you
want to enjoy a chapter of the latest Candace Bushnell at that point, Mr.
ex-Prime Minister, I’ll never tell. Unless the paparazzi ask!
I’m sorry, Rahim, what was that? You’d like to sit closer to
Lamar? Go right ahead. He looks kinda lonely back there, doesn’t he? Lamar, are
you up for some great company? Rahim, no poking, no winking, no passing notes
-- got that? Lamar, please move your coffee cup to the other side of the –
whoah, dude! Never mind, the staff will get it. Rahim sure won’t – did you know
he was once voted “laziest Member of Parliament” by Canada’s Parliament Hill
Times? Oh, suck it up, Buttercup. Rahim, big boys don’t cry!
Class, get back in your seats! Stop taunting Rahim!
Okey-dokey, then, jumping jacks! Mr. ex-Prime Minister, you lead. Give plenty
of space to Lamar! Yes, you, too, Kash and Tiger. One, two, three… Omigod,
where are Bondo and Gandalf when you really need them? Are they, like, walking
here from Africa? Five … six… seven…
