Madame Mysterioso rocks the new year

WAKE up, Rip Van Winkle – it’s 2010! You may not know what day it is, or what to wear, but never fear. Here comes Madame Mysterioso, astrologer, psychic, and all-round Einstein, to explain it all for you and her legion of longtime fans.

Mr. Van Winkle, you strike me as a Capricorn. That’s the sign that comes over all sleepy-like when there’s any unwelcome task to be done. Let me guess: Your shrewish wife asked you to clean out the carport and all of a sudden you couldn’t keep your eyes open. Twenty years later, here we are.

Let me just get you up to speed. It’s 2010. Astrology is now the gospel. And I, Madame Mysterioso, am principal goddess. Hence, the mu-mu.

Et voila, the gospel according to moi.

Capricorn: This is the year to make your mark. You’ve been lollygagging for eons and it’s about time you seized the day. Pluto is in Capricorn, unless Plato’s in Cupricorn. Whatever – the point is that life as a forensic accountant really hasn’t paid off for you. In terms of Capricorn role models, it’s high time to chuck your affinity for John Denver. Instead, shake yourself up like Elvis Presley! My crystal ball sees you, post-Games, becoming Whistler’s most lovable luger.

Aquarius: Let’s say you’re an apartment dweller. You know that really annoying sound your neighbour’s clock radio makes, where it bleeps and bleeps and bleeps and bleeps, and, because your neighbour’s away, nobody turns it off for days on end? Well, that level of annoyance describes your 2010. Feel free to self-medicate – even do-gooders like you occasionally crack. By the way, dude, you may be a humanitarian, but that doesn’t mean you have to dress like one.

Pisces: When will you ever learn that life is just a series of random events, orchestrated by the stars, then whipped into a frenzy by cracks you’ve stepped on, mirrors you’ve smashed, and the perambulations of black cats? Not to mention the input of your friendly neighbourhood astrologist. (Bribes gladly accepted.) I could have predicted Piscean Ivana Trump’s recent meltdown in the first class compartment of an airplane. Sad to say, it sets the tone for Pisces generally this year. Like Ivana, your skin’s pulled too tight. I prescribe Haagen Dazs, taken orally.

Aries: You don’t have to do much to cause a sensation in 2010, as fiery Aries Kate Hudson can attest. The ordinarily talent-free actor is apparently the best thing about Nine, the movie. You, however, will be the best thing about five, the hour of the day. Like many of your fellow Aries, you might as well grow visibly fond of cocktails. They certainly say nice things about you.

Taurus: Here’s my chorus for Taurus: Don’t be such a greedy guts. Don’t you know by now that your house and your possessions are the least interesting things about you? And I do mean you, Queen Elizabeth II. You and the late Taurean tinkler Liberace -- forever hiding your true light under a bushel of tchotchkes. This year, give the acquisitions a rest.

Gemini: Stop putting on airs, and you’ll be amazed what riches come your way. You might even become known for your wit and brains, once you drop your endless references to Prada, Tiffany and the like. (For once and for all, Prada doesn’t even make toasters!) Anyhoo, if you’re anything like Gemini Kanye West, you’re due for a heapin’ helpin’ o’ self-improvement.

Cancer: Crabby, crabby, crabby – shelve the claws, already. You do have a good side, what with the intuition, the imagination, and all that jazz. Let it out of its airtight Tupperware container in 2010. Cancer Meryl Streep is constantly chuckling -- why aren’t you? By the way, pal’o’mine, this year when Mercury is in retrograde, your car will only drive backwards. So take a circular route.

Leo: Does Leo ever have a low-key year? Well, I suppose Delta Burke has had her ups and downs. But the rest of you -- from Mick Jagger to David Duchovny to Madonna to Bill Clinton -- never stay out of your beloved spotlight for long. You’re welcome to it, as far as the rest of us are concerned, but in 2010, you’d do well to curb your unruly impulses. Cleaning up after your misdemeanors is tedious, as all the spouses of the above can attest.

Virgo: You’ve been whining like a chilblained Chihuahua for over two years. It’s time to feel the love – if there’s any left for you in your exhausted crowd. Life is good, you’ve got the twins, you’re married to Diana Krall. Oh, maybe that’s just you, Elvis Costello, but other Virgos secretly know they haven’t got it so bad. Even Pee Wee Herman has a new stage show. Can winning a lottery, growing hair, or fitting into a size 12 again be far behind for the rest of us Virgos?

Libra: Diplomacy is your forte, Libra – it’ll be your stock in trade as a volunteer with the 2010 Games. You are perfectly suited to smiling and answering visitors politely in their language of choice. Like Librans Gwyneth Paltrow and Friedrich Nietzsche, you can let your natural charm speak for itself. Your sign’s gullibility, however, may mean you fall for foreign scams. Friendly tip: Don’t trade your passport for Olympic pins, no matter how shiny.

Scorpio: This year, stop dressing like Larry King. He’s a thousand years old, for cripe’s sake. Most Scorpios can even carry off hot pants, as I advised your fellow sun signs Hilary Rodham Clinton and Prince Charles the other day. But you’re not much of a fashionista, are you, Scorp? Always with the secrets and the obsessions, never with the thigh-high boots. That’s got to change in 2010 -- especially for you, Bill Gates.

Sagittarius: Oh, Saj, your good cheer and blind optimism have led us all down many a garden path. This is the year you’ll have to confess that you really didn’t know what you were talking about. Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, you have much to atone for, wasting our time with your hare-brained shenanigans. Among Sagittarians, only legendary bad boy Keith Richards seems to have his head screwed on straight any more. And that’s saying something.

So let that be a lesson to all of Madame Mysterioso’s followers, including Rip Van Winkle: Cultivate a dark side, a Keith Richards side, in 2010. At the very least, it will keep you awake and amused in your old age.