REJECTION -- where would our world
be without it?
Rejection fuels drama like nothing
else. In Gone With the Wind, if Scarlett hadn’t been shunted aside by Ashley
and hadn’t then played it overly cool with Rhett, the story would largely have
hinged on the destruction of real estate. Millions of movies, books and TV
shows have been churned out since, with rejection at their core.
These stories work because
everybody knows what it’s like to be turned down. And yet we still get a kick
out of being, or watching, the person who doles out the ego beating.
Even American TV’s famous, cuddly
Modern Orthodox rabbi, Shmuley Boteach, is currently getting in on the action.
He’s an author of 20 books and father of nine who has appeared regularly on
Oprah, has a TLC show called Shalom in the Home, and is known continent-wide
for being a mensch.
Boteach made the news this week
when he protested plans by Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi to stay in a Bedouin
tent on Libyan embassy land adjacent to Boteach’s home in Englewood, N.J.
Unlike your average North American,
Boteach wasn’t averse to Gadhafi’s rumpled, warty presence just because he’d
ruin the view. According to the Globe and Mail, New Jersey is home to the
families of more than 30 of 270 victims of the 1988 bombing of Pan-Am flight
103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. Gadhafi officially accepted responsibility for
those bombings years ago, after accusations suggested they were the work of
Libyan agents. Recently, however, he was seen embracing a released Lockerbie
bombing terrorist. As Boteach told CNN, he doubts Gadhafi’s claim to be on the
straight and narrow.
“He loves terrorists and welcomes
them as heroes and speaks with a forked tongue,” said the rabbi.
Most of us snarl when the next-door
neighbour brings home his first Harley Davidson, but this is a whole ’nuther
level. Gadhafi is a PLO supporter who’s been linked to international terrorism
on numerous occasions. He’ll be in New York this month on his first “visit,”
and if I were Boteach, I’d want to make it Gadhafi’s last, too. New York is an
intoxicating place, even for a non-drinking Muslim, and before you know it,
Gadhafi could be hangin’ with his homies in Central Park -- his first choice
for the site of the Bedouin tent.
Luckily, these are modern times,
and there are ways of getting rid of even the most persistent suitors. I’d like
to introduce the rabbi to the Rejection Hotline, intended for use by those who
wish to blow off an unwanted admirer. Here’s where I see it coming in handy.
Say
Gadhafi sidles over to Boteach’s back gate while the rabbi is stretched out
alone on a deck chair, eating. “As-salamu àlaykum,” Gadhafi says.
Being
polite, the rabbi replies, “Peace be with you, too. Nice day.”
“Yes,”
says Gadhafi. “I was wondering, can you spare some gas for my power mower?”
“Sure,” Boteach says. “I’ll bring it over after I finish my lunch.” He feels
this is the Libyan dictator’s cue to leave, immediately.
“What are
you having?” Gadhafi says conversationally. “It looks tasty.”
“Chicken
soup. It’s good for the soul,” Boteach responds.
“Yes, I read the book,” Gadhafi says. He has opened the gate and has been inching closer, so now he’s standing in front of Boteach, watching him eat. “You eat skillfully,” Gadhafi points out. “You don’t spill the soup, even though you’re stretched out in the sun.”
“Thanks,”
Boteach says. “The mug helps. And I do love my soup. It’s homemade.”
Gadhafi
continues to engage Boteach in meaningless conversation as the rabbi becomes
visibly irritated. Suddenly, Boteach claims to hear his wife inside, calling
his name. He has finished his soup, so he picks up his mug and says, “I’ll
leave the gas for you inside your gate in a little while.”
“How
about I call you when I’m ready for it,” says Gadhafi, with a wink. “I’ve got a
few other interesting ideas I’d like to discuss. I’d really like to get on
Oprah -- I was thinking you could hook me up.”
Some
problems are too trivial to bother God with. This is where Rejection Hotline
comes in. Before Gadhafi moves in next door, Rabbi Boteach needs to look up and
memorize the Rejection Hotline number at www.humorhotlines.com.
That’s the number he’ll give his unwanted suitor when Gadhafi asks for it.
When
Gadhafi calls, hoping to pursue an intimate relationship with Boteach, he’ll
reach a snarky recorded voice. It will tell him that he hasn’t reached the
person he thought he was calling, but instead, the Rejection Hotline. Among the
reasons his intended didn’t want to give him the right number, the voice will
suggest, might be that Gadhafi is “boring, dumb, annoying, arrogant or just a
general weirdo,” has bad breath or body odour, or gives off “that creepy,
overbearing psycho stalker vibe.” The voice will advise Gadhafi to forget the
object of his affections, as Boteach has already forgotten him. Even ruthless
dictators should get that hint.
(Incidentally,
the funniest thing about the Rejection Hotline is the first time I called it
myself, another recording kicked in at the end, urging me to press “star” to
find out how I could join the United States Navy for “adventure, opportunity
and a secure future.” It’s good to know that bad breath and overbearing psycho
stalker vibes are considered a plus somewhere. With any luck, Gadhafi will be
offered the same option to toil at sea for Uncle Sam.)
I see
this Rejection Hotline move as the entrée to a brand new bestseller for Rabbi
Boteach. He’s already written The Kosher Sutra and Dating Secrets of the Ten
Commandments. With this new experience under his belt, it’ll be time for him to
branch out beyond advice on family and dating.
I, for
one, will eagerly look forward to G’day, Gadhafi: How to Banish Social
Cling-Ons, or Gadhouttahere: How to Rid Your Neighbourhood of Unwanted Pests.
Expertise on how to reject others without denting your self-image always comes
in handy.
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