ITEM: Queen Elizabeth, 81, has a cellphone, an iPod mini, and recently revealed to the editor of Vanity Fair, Elizabeth Saltzman, that she has an e-mail address and sends out e-mails. However, she said, “I don’t actually write them -- I dictate them all, of course.”
-- Ananova news service
SCENE: The Queen’s study. Enter the Queen, wearing silk pajamas topped by a silk dressing gown bearing the royal coat of arms on its pocket, and rubber boots. Behind her, enter the Chancellor of the Worldwide Web, dressed in a bespoke suit with a pocket protector. The Queen gestures to the Chancellor to seat himself in front of the royal laptop, then seats herself in a chintz armchair at his side.
QUEEN: Chancellor, I took you at your word yesterday when you said that many people use this technology as an excuse to work in their pajamas. This is rather exciting -- one certainly can’t attend a royal gala in this get-up! I even get to wear my dear boots!
CHANCELLOR (toadishly): Yes, ma’am.
QUEEN: Now, Chancellor, as we do each morning, I must command -- er, remind -- you to run down all the acronyms we need when sending out correspondence in this fashion. Yesterday, you mentioned LOL, for Laughing Out Loud. It is my decree that when I send out an LOL, it be preceded by an R, for Royal. Therefore, RLOL is Royal Laughing Out Loud. It would be best to precede many of my abbreviations with the letter “R,” just so people don’t forget from whom they are hearing.
CHANCELLOR: Yes, ma’am.
QUEEN: Now, what are some other acronyms that make me sound more like a commoner? I saw the film The Queen; I recognize that it’s an issue.
CHANCELLOR: Er ….
QUEEN: Also, I’d like a trendy sign-off. I don’t like “Cheers,” since I’m not much of a drinker, and didn’t enjoy the TV program. And most people don’t deserve “Best” from the Queen. “Sincerely” seems overly formal, as well. What do you think would be apropos?
CHANCELLOR: Actually, your Majesty, I’ve given this a bit of thought, and I came up with quite a good one. It’s an update of a line from The Three Musketeers: 14AA41.
QUEEN (baffled): I’m afraid I don’t follow.
CHANCELLOR: Of course, ma’am. It stands for One For All, All For One. Rather good for a queen, don’t you think?
QUEEN: You mean, for the Queen.
CHANCELLOR: Of course, ma’am.
QUEEN: It is quite good, Chancellor. I would like all my e-mails to be signed this way -- 14AA41, Elizabeth R. Could we work up an online signature for me, like the Sultan of Brunei’s? Mind you, I hate those sappy Powerpoint e-mails he always sends, about not seeing the rain, only the rainbow. Honestly! So pitifully naïve.
CHANCELLOR: Yes, ma’am. You might say that when forced to read one, you’re AAK -- Asleep at the Keyboard. Perhaps next time the Sultan sends you a follow-up note to ask you how you liked the Powerpoint, you’d like to say 2BZ4UQT.
QUEEN: Chancellor?
CHANCELLOR (stifling a nerdish guffaw): It means Too Busy For You, Cutie!
QUEEN (with a shocked giggle): Chancellor -- the Sultan is a gremlin! Mind you, I rather like how the Internet allows one to get to the point. Now, what other abbreviations can I use? For instance, how do I say “I don’t know,” even though, of course, I always do?
CHANCELLOR: May I recommend 404? It means I Haven’t a Clue.
QUEEN: What about when I’m e-mailing my closest friends? Some of them actually send me a note daily, asking me about my plans. They are kind, but it’s quite tiresome to have to send them my whole schedule -- which troop I’m reviewing, who’s invited for tea, whose ego I’m planning to pulverize with a frosty look …. How can I reply to these intimate notes in an amusing way?
CHANCELLOR: ADIH is succinct. It means Another Day in Hell.
QUEEN: Oh, quite. Maybe I’d insert an “R”, so it’s Another Day in Royal Hell.
CHANCELLOR: Certainly, ma’am. I’ll attach a glossary to each personal e-mail. When you’re at Sandringham, enjoying a break, you can always say N2MJCHBU, which means Not Too Much, Just Chillin’, How ’Bout You.
QUEEN: Yes, very nice. What do you suppose the Sultan means by ADIP, which is on his e-mail letterhead? I’d like that, as well, by the way. Something that looks like linen in antique white, so my e-mails stand out a bit.
CHANCELLOR: Certainly, ma’am. The Sultan’s acronym means Another Day in Paradise.
QUEEN: Good grief. How vulgar!
CHANCELLOR: You might say he’s a LOMBARD, ma’am.
QUEEN: Which means?
CHANCELLOR (chortling): Lots of Money But A Right Dick.
QUEEN (giggling): Now, what about if I’m skeptical about something, or suspicious of someone’s intentions?
CHANCELLOR: AIAMU means And I’m a Monkey’s Uncle. Do you care for that?
QUEEN: It’s a bit cavalier. I would like something more pointed to send to the strumpet who lured Prince Harry into mischief at that Canadian cowboy bar.
CHANCELLOR: I think AMRMTYFTS would do nicely -- All My Roommates Thank You For The Show.
QUEEN: Well done! Now, what did Harry mean when he signed off his last e-mail to me with BMOF? I thought maybe it stood for Big Man of Footsoldiering. He was responding to the scolding note I sent about his Calgary naughtiness. Remember, I used my new favourite acronym, NQOCD, which I know means Not Quite Our Class, Dear.
CHANCELLOR: Er….
QUEEN: Do you mean to say you’ve been stumped by Harry? He’s much brighter than I thought, then!
CHANCELLOR: Er … actually, BMOF means Bite Me, Old Fart.
QUEEN (frowning, staring out the window): Hmmm. I certainly don’t think I should brook such insolence! Do you, Chancellor?
CHANCELLOR: No, ma’am.
QUEEN (imperiously): Send a note to Harry immediately, in a large Gothic font. It should say only OWYH -- with two exclamation points. Make sure he believes I’m prepared to follow through.
CHANCELLOR: Ma’am, I’m afraid you have stumped me this time. What does OWYH stand for?
QUEEN: Off With Your Head, of course, Chancellor! Please add an icon of a chopping blade hovering over a block. You can sign off with EG, which I believe you said means Evil Grin, and then, of course, a very tiny RLOL. Then, Elizabeth R.
CHANCELLOR: Your Majesty, SSEWBA.
QUEEN: Chancellor?
CHANCELLOR: Someday Soon, Everything Will Be Acronyms.
QUEEN: Q! I mean, quite.
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