I can’t explain why, but when people aren’t begging me to hurry up and complete my Canadian Saint application form, they’re usually harassing me for tips on trends.
For some reason, they see a middle-aged female accessorizing her flood pants and decrepit running shoes with large earphones and a dreamy look in her eye, and they say to themselves, “Fount of Wisdom.” All right, perhaps this is only “in my dreams,” but I’m a generous soul. Therefore, like Gwyneth Paltrow before me (see her website, goop.com), I shall share with you my latest insights regarding what to wear, buy and do for fall, 2010.
Good news! If you’re Amish, you’ve got it goin’ on. That’s according to the French, who are apparently poised to go mad for homespun quilts. Trendcentral.com informs us that the French company A.P.C. has retrieved old fabrics from its archives. It’s using them to create quilts to festoon the apartments of the chic. This bedding will be handcrafted by women in India, rather than genuine Amish people, who are already quite busy. There will be 30 quilts made in each pattern, rather than kickin’ it Amish-school with one-of-a-kind masterpieces. Still, a French craze for humble fruit pies and barn-raisings is sure to follow.
What’s also following is overalls, another fashion item suitable for farmers or, really, anybody with manure splash issues. Despite the fact that the trendsetting Amish prefer to wear their pants with suspenders, “Haute Overalls” have hit the runway, probably inspired by something Trendcentral.com calls “agriculture’s new cool.”
I can see this concept going places. If farming suddenly has cachet, restaurants may start feeding their customers in troughs, finally dispensing with the old-fashioned need for plates, glasses and cutlery. The most stylish joints might serve appetizers first by scattering them over the floor, chicken-yard style.
At bastions of this new “Oat Cuisine,” both breadstuffs and the cheeses that go with them could be made to order. Forget the 100-mile diet, where you only eat food grown within that distance -- this would be a matter of a few feet. You’d milk the cow, goat, or sheep yourself and then stay at the restaurant watching the milk ferment for as long as it took -- months, years, or whatever. Above all, as I’m sure you’ll agree, fashion should be practical.
While you wait for your bread to rise and your milk to accumulate bacteria, you’ll be fixing the restaurant’s fence, building it a windmill or trading folksy anecdotes about the weather. Score another one for the Amish: this time, their activities are totally on-trend.
Another Amish-friendly fad: “lo-fi aesthetics.” The hyperactively stylish online magazine Boing Boing recently issued a Back to School Challenge asking participants to take an image associated with computer technology and recreate it in a retro manner. Needlepoint was one genre contestants favoured. A note of warning: Once Hollywood’s Kardashian sisters get wind of this, watch for shocking photos of the socialites stitching their versions of old-fashioned homilies onto their buttless chaps -- or, even, possibly, their chapless butts.
Speaking of which, I’ve just learned of a new surgical procedure centred on that particular area that will probably not appeal to the Amish, or the farmers, though quilters who sit a lot are sure to sign up. The Brazilian Butt Lift is not to be confused with the Brazilian blow-out, a “Brazilian,” or a person from Brazil who is so boring that he or she makes you want to switch seats at a dinner party. Rather, the BBL transforms your tragic pressed hams into something that will finally elicit an “Ay, caramba!”
Jennifer Lopez envy has likely prompted this treatment, also called a gluteoplasty. I guess it’s America’s “fastest-growing cosmetic procedure” in more ways than one. The routine sees your surgeon transferring fat from an unwanted spot on your body to a spot that you want to become wanted. (A word to the wise: You cannot accomplish the same thing by eating a lot of deep-fried Brazilian food.)
“Surely this is every woman’s dream come true,” says the news release I mysteriously received on the topic, shortly after being seen in public without a Brazilian Butt Lift. Apparently, “Buttock enhancement… can provide a dramatic shift in a woman’s confidence level” in addition to a dramatic shift in the seat of her pants.
I must admit to some confusion. Here we have the Amish surging to the fore -- they are private, modest, religious people who have no desire to mingle with the tainted and sinning masses. At the same time, we seem to have the rise of the Brazilians -- sociable, lively, fun-loving people with much desire to mingle with the tanned and sinning masses. And apparently, it’s Hispanic people who are most likely to want to go Brazilian.
“We have seen demand for the Brazilian Lift really skyrocket in the last year,” said Dr. Bill Johnson in the afore-mentioned release, “because women understand that this process is easier, safer and more affordable than having an implant. And when the 2010 Census results are released, I think we’ll see how important the Hispanic market is for many types of cosmetic procedures.”
Expect, then, that less on-the-ball cosmetic surgeons than Dr. Johnson will comb the U.S. 2010 Census for information on where to hawk their services. They’ll suddenly realize by analyzing census statistics that, in addition to droves of inspirational Amish quilters who are of no use whatsoever to them, the United States contains many Hispanics on whom form-fitting yoga pants are utterly wasted.
Once this flaw has been pointed out to Hispanic Americans, they’ll go under the knife. Afterward, naturally, they won’t be able to resist samba-ing in the streets, showing off their dramatically shifted confidence levels. Well-heeled but poorly reared non-Hispanics are sure to follow.
To sum up, then: Purchase some overalls. Put them on. Sit in them while making a quilt. Overalls are the most unflattering apparel extant when it comes to your backside. Have a look. Get depressed. Sign up for a Brazilian Butt Lift.
There you have it, in a nuthouse. Er, nutshell. Hey, de nada.