NEWS outlets are abuzz with the “inappropriate” relationship between Florida socialite Jill Kelley and U.S. General John Adams. Apparently it’s inconceivable that any two people could exchange 20,000-30,000 emails and not be sexually involved – though a lot of married couples might beg to differ (badump-bump!).
In my ongoing effort to correct and improve other journalists, for which I deserve a Pulitzer Prize, I’ve dug up some of the perfectly innocent emails Kelley and Allen exchanged before this scandal broke. I must remind my fellow hacks that socialites and generals need friends, too -- there are only so many charity functions and nighttime raids you can plan in a day.
JILL KELLEY: Howareya, Gen. Johnny? I can’t go outside this week because I have a wart on my pinky. I guess in Afghanistan u always have to show up for work, even if u have dandruff or zits, but as a socialite u’d have to be crazy. We use our pinkies for everything here – drugs, dangling our sunglasses, drying our bikinis…. Now I have to stay on my property until next Monday. It’s insanity!
GEN. JOHN ALLEN: Sweetheart, my sympathies on your wart, but I’m kind-of busy here. Best, Gen. John Allen.
KELLEY: Cheese’n’crackers, Johnny -- u were doing naked cannonballs in my pool just last month! Woo hoo -- “incoming” indeed! Love that Florida coconut wine! Anyhoo, I’m bored almost wartless here in Tampa. My sister Natalie dared me to write u 10,000 emails in seven days without detection by the U.S. Army or the Tallyban. I know I can do it. Resist me if u can! Ha ha! How many Florida socialites does it take to change a light-bulb?
ALLEN: I don’t know, sweetheart. How many?
KELLEY: What’s a light-bulb? (Laughing emoticon.)
ALLEN: I’m not following you.
KELLEY: And u
call yourself a FOUR-STAR general – LOL! I’m forwarding u this thing that my
aunt Lil sent me. I guarantee it will make u cry – a soldier petting his cat
before he ships out. Have u ever seen a cuter kitty or a hotter soldier?
Support our troops! O say can u see….
ALLEN: Sweetheart, I may have to be offline for an extended period to deal with something we’re calling Operation S---storm. Stand by….
KELLEY: … by the dawn’s early light! Kidding! Oh, Gen. Johnny, I’m going to my hairdresser in 10 minutes and I don’t know whether to go with blonde streaks (so 2011, see Lindsay Lohan’s MOTHER, ha ha!) or a thick swath of platinum white! If u R my TRU friend, HELP!
ALLEN: Blonde. You don’t want to be mistaken for Bonnie Raitt. Gotta go….
KELLEY: Wow. Thanks for comparing me with a 110-year-old singer from Grand Forks. (Sniff!)
ALLEN: What? I have all her albums! She’s the bomb! Not literally (chuckle). Sorry, General joke. FYI: Bonnie Raitt was born in Burbank, CA.
KELLEY:Whatevskis! Now I’m going offline for an important reason, too -- my haircut, or, as I call it, Operation Honey Boo Boo! LOL!
(Later that same day….)
ALLEN: I usually write (chuckle) when I’m laughing online, but I understand that if I want to be modern I should use LOL. Is that current protocol?
KELLEY: U slay me, Gen. Johnny, but not literally! Sorry, Socialite joke.
ALLEN: You shouldn’t capitalize the “S” in socialite. It’s not a profession.
KELLEY: Well, I never! (Ha ha!) Easy for u to say, Johnny. U don’t have to organize MacDill Air Force Base gatherings, like I do. Or raise money for all the Tampa teenagers who, because of the Obama-caused recession, aren’t going to get cars from their parents when they turn 16. That used to be an American RIGHT. U know what my former billionaire neighbors are giving their son for his 16th birthday? Movie passes to the opening night of Lincoln!!! (Sad face emoticon.)
ALLEN: Lincoln was a good president.
KELLEY: Maybe -- like, a million years ago. I am SO over the Civil War! If Spielberg wants to open THAT can of worms, hire a smokin’ hot cast! Channing Tatum as a super-fit Lincoln, Emma Stone as a sexy Mary Todd. But Daniel Day Lewis and Sally Field? It’s like that Ken Burns Dust Bowl show – EW! I had to shower for HOURS.
ALLEN: Speaking of dust bowls, we’ve had no rain in Kabul for three months.
KELLEY: We used to have a great lifestyle here in the U.S.A. but then along came Obama with his Muslim ways and ruined everything. I’ll bet the White House doesn’t even serve bacon any more. Doesn’t your heart go out to the pig farmers of America?
ALLEN: Uh … you do realize that, as Commander in Chief of the U.S. Armed Forces, President Obama is my boss?
KELLEY: Not for long! Mitt Romney for Emperor! LOL!
ALLEN: Sweetheart, you seem worked up. When my children were young I used to get them to go to sleep by reciting military secrets. Would you like me to call you and do that for you?
KELLEY: Sure, honey. But just until my wart dries up.