OH, get off my back. Your favourite horoscoptionist, Madame Mysterioso, may be a week late and $50 million short (curse you, Lotto Max), but she’s still here to do that voodoo that she does so well.
In other words, ATTEN-SHUN, soldiers! Your marching orders for 2011 are about to be served. As usual, they’re organic, spring-fed, and wine-dipped.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): You’ve got huge dreams for 2011. This year, your Goaty schlep to life’s mountain peak will be easier when you lose the suction-cups on the soles of your hooves. Patrick Dempsey (Jan. 13), look forward to quintuplets. Mel Gibson (Jan. 3), look forward to conniptions. Some birthday advice for you, soon-to-be Princess Kate Middleton (Jan. 9): Cultivate an appetite for public bile. In the meantime, Capricorns, enjoy the unprecedented attention.
Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Your humanitarian impulses are your best quality, but you’ll have to pick your battles in 2011. That know-it-all personality can get an ignoramus in big trouble – yes, I’m talking to you, Glenn Beck (Feb. 10). Genuine Aquarian smarty-pants will, as always, do all right. (Did you know that Galileo was an Aquarius, not just some lyrical fragment in a song by Queen?) A word to less-wise Water-bearers, like Jennifer Aniston: Try dating homely or middle-aged folk rather than hunky airheads and hairy lunkheads. Librans Snoop Dogg (Oct. 20) and Jeff Goldblum (Oct. 22) are good choices.
Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): This year, your journey requires you to pack an extra-large money-belt. Benadryl will prove itself handy when it comes to the tail end of your seven-year-itch. Right now, Pisces is all over the map – for every fresh-faced, optimistic Justin Bieber (Mar. 1), there’s a gloomy, deflated Gordon Brown (Feb. 20), and for every frisky, Timberlake-dating Jessica Biel (March 3), there’s a wildly flailing Kelsey Grammer (21 Feb.). With all the confusion, try saying no to drugs, and an ecstatic yes to KFC’s 540-calorie Double Down.
Aries (Mar. 21-April 20): Make 2011 your Ram-sicle. You’re brave and multi-talented if you’re like James Franco (April 19), acting, directing, writing, painting, and completing your PhD at Columbia University while attending the Rhode Island School of Design, or Lady GaGa (Mar. 28), who’s likely playing the piano while upside down in a sack of rice as we speak. If, instead, your mind currently resembles that of wrinkled slacker Hugh Hefner (April 9, 1926), this is your year to slip out of your pajamas and into something a little less comfortable.
Taurus (April 21-May 19): This is a red flag moment for the Bull of the zodiac. Your rampant materialism will trump your cagey humanity as you leave friends and relatives in your dust. But you keep forgetting that all Taureans are not blessed with the talents of footballer David Beckham (May 2) or Facebooker Mark Zuckerberg (May 14) -- some day you will need more than a house beautiful and a trophy spouse to get by. Why not expand your horizons in 2011? Go full wackadoodle, like Shirley MacLaine (April 24).
Gemini (May 20-June 21): Geminis are known for their dual natures and quick tongues, which explains why they number both Angelina Jolie (June 4) and Joan Rivers (June 8) in their midst. The zodiac’s Twins also have an unknowable side – just ask murderer John Hinckley Jr. (May 29) and French right wingnut Jean-Marie Le Pen. Mme. Mysterioso’s advice? Think long and hard before you speak in 2011, whether you model yourself on Marilyn Monroe (June 1) or Jeffrey Dahmer (May 21). Most of us can smell the cowpies you’re constantly hurling long before they hit us.
Cancer (June 22-July 21): As the moody bimbo of the zodiac, you’re finally forced to explain yourself this year. Yes, Lizzie Borden (July 19), of course you can go first, but put down that axe. Pamela Anderson (July 1), you’re next. After that, let’s hear from David Hasselhoff (July 17) and King Edward VIII (June 23), who threw over England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales for that deeply discounted American, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. In 2011, Crabs, grow a brain. There’s actually a kit you can buy.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22): As usual, Leo, you’re splendid, headstrong and bossy. Be warned, 2011 is the one time you Lions won’t get your way. Dial it back, Mick Jagger (July 26) and Roman Polanski (Aug. 18), channeling your gentle, twee inner Beatrix Potter (July 28). You’re “performers,” aren’t you? Challenge yourself with less glamorous roles. Rather than your usual shtick of chewing the scenery, consume more cabbage. It’s better for your colon.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Like Lance Armstrong (Sept. 18), it’s time for all Virgos to get off that high horse. You may be sticklers for perfection, but you make as many mistakes as anybody else, whether you’re Dr. Phil (Sept. 1), Mother Teresa (Aug. 27) or Gene Simmons (Aug. 25). So what if the dancing bears at your surprise birthday party “aren’t in synch”? Take a pill and re-read your encyclopedia.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Suffice it to say, nobody appreciates your brilliance. You are perennially under-rated. Johnny Appleseed (Sept. 26), meet comedian Zach Galifianakis (Oct. 1) and Portuguese water dog Bo Obama (Oct. 9). This year, The Scales must cultivate an attitude of gratitude. While every Libran can’t be America’s First Dog, you can certainly warm to your own circumstances and thereby uplift them. Try to emulate Clive Owen (Oct. 3). Handsome and talented, yet rarely employed, he has no complaints.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): Repeat after me: I am not Adam Ant. Unless you are Adam Ant (Nov. 3), you at least have that to be pleased about. Take the chip off your shoulder, Scorpions, and cultivate the charm of Grace Kelly (Nov. 12) or Matthew McConaughey (Nov. 4). After all, you’re not difficult, you’re “complex.” You’re not pig-headed, you’re “determined.” Give that a whirl, genius – and I do mean you, Bill Gates (Oct. 28). The fact that Charles Manson (Nov. 12) is a Scorpio is mere coincidence.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): Always happy as clams, you Archers will firmly hit your targets in 2011. Sadly, you’ll miss the fact that right behind those targets are adorable big-eyed kittens. Consider laser eye surgery. And while your extreme sociability is usually an asset, if you’re preternaturally perky Dick Clark (Nov. 30), may we sweetly point out that at 82, retirement is a perfectly legitimate career option?
So sayeth Mme. Mysterioso, still going strong at 143. Bonne chance, mes acolytes.