WHAT does your door knob say about you?
That’s what an e-mailed news release from a lock manufacturer asked me last week. It gave me pause. It doesn’t take much to give me pause.
“Your home’s entrance can tell a lot about your personality,” the release explains. That is disturbing. Like you, I’ve heard the rumour that your door knob only gets one chance to make a first impression, but I’d dismissed it as mere propaganda put out by the home makeover industrial complex.
Perhaps I was in denial. The entrance to my own family’s house has always looked like the path to a den for wayward pack rats. And since teenagers are constantly barging in and out, our front door might not even have a door knob any more. If so, I’d never noticed.
I’m pretty oblivious to most things these days. Just last week a pharmacist pointed to a phone number on my prescription and asked if it were mine. “I’ve never seen it before,” I asserted, somewhat accusingly. How incompetent could she be? Then, after about 45 seconds, I said, “Ahem… actually, that probably is my number. It certainly rings a bell.”
I didn’t bother explaining that it had been a long time since anybody had asked for my number, for obvious and depressing reasons.
But back to door knobs. Apparently they are constantly, if silently, sending out signals about one’s character. The news release says that if I find door knob shopping a daunting challenge -- and I admit, I do –- it’s because I unwittingly crave a knob that fits my personality.
If, for example, I am drawn to a Venetian Bronze finish, it means I am probably a conservative classical music enthusiast who enjoys “trips to Rome.”
Am I wrong in thinking that this is a slap in the face to Venice? It clearly implies that yes, Venice is fine if all you’re doing is finishing your door knob, but if you’re going to vacation in Italy, you’d better choose Rome. Is that not hurtful? Well, don’t blame me. I don’t make the rules.
The news release goes on to say that if my door knob has a Satin Stainless Steel finish, I probably love sushi, groove on “indie rock,” and am so flagrantly avant-garde in my thinking that I wear “jeans with a t-shirt.” Satin Stainless Steel people like things “clean” and “modern.”
That really threw me for a loop. Sure, I enjoy clean things, but getting them clean bores me into mulch. That isn’t in keeping with the simple, bright Satin Stainless Steel door knob finish mentality, where polishing your knob probably takes the better part of most weekends.
Where were we? Yes, door knobs. The next style option on the news release is called Rustic Pewter. If that were my door knob style, I’d apparently be the sort who’d turn down a Satin Stainless Steel door knob-worthy “modern mansion” for an “average suburban house.” Such a person, the release says evenly, would probably “work too much” -- or would claim to; I’m just throwing that out there. Rustic Pewter door knob Man and Lady are the kind of people who eat cheeseburgers and go camping.
I get the message. If I go for the Rustic Pewter finish, I might as well sink my life savings into a giant TV because my fatal cardiac arrest will be arriving shortly, likely during an episode of Hillbilly Handfishin.’
It also seems wise to reconsider the Rustic Pewter finish swimsuit I’ve been planning to order online from Canadian Tire. I don’t have the figure for it, or the appropriate screwdriver.
Luckily, I wasn’t yet out of options. An Iron Black door knob finish, I learned, is dignified and impressive “without being showy.” It hints that I like “emo” music. By the way, “emo” is not the same as ELO (Electric Light Orchestra); if you thought it was, you must be one of those Rustic Pewter morons.
Iron Black door knob nuts also like “visiting Eastern bloc countries,” wearing all-black clothes, and eating at “ethnic restaurants,” by which I doubt the news release means Chinese-Canadian. Think: goulash.
I now have the hang of door knob finish interpretation. I am able to extrapolate that the consummate Iron Black door knob fancier eats sardines whole, drinks beer that tastes like Kevin Bieksa’s stewed hockey socks, and worships Satan.
The news release ends with the final finish in the door knob pantheon, “Bright Brass,” which represents happiness, imagination and “a great sense of humour.” By that point, I didn’t need to be told it’s the choice of self-respecting grandmothers and leprechauns everywhere. I already knew.