Critics allege that flirtatious e-mails sent between the parliamentary secretary to the Minister of Foreign Affairs, Bob Dechert, and Chinese journalist Shi Rong represented a security breach, because the Xinhua News Agency for which Rong works is widely seen as controlled by the Chinese government. – News item
LAST week in this space, I noted that ever-lowering standards at the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) mean I am now its ideal candidate for intelligence officer.
This week, I’ve proved my spying abilities beyond a shadow of a doubt by releasing this e-mail discourse – I don’t like to call it “evidence,” per se -- between Bob Dechert and Shi Rong, clearly using aliases. (I cannot tell you how I came by it. My lips are sealed! Yes, I am willing to relocate to Ottawa for a starting salary of $1 million per year.)
Dear Honey Trap,
The shar-pei has hit the fan over our innocent friendship, but I reiterate that you look very cute when you puff out your cheeks, as you did in that photograph you sent. They can’t take that away from me. They have, however, taken away my office computer for “analysis.” Please send your notes to me at this top-secret home address.
Your Big Bear
As requested by my superiors, I am back in China right now, enjoying the Moon Festival. I am wearing a short skirt and knee-socks but it is a bit breezy. Oops! I hope my tiny skirt does not flip up! Many men are looking but of course I only think of you and your dear eyeglasses. By the way, please send me the home addresses and phone numbers of the senior executives of CSIS and the RCMP and the licence plate numbers of their security guards. I find that sexy to think about. And, of course, I would like to send them Happy Moon Festival cards. I have sent one to you, at your special post office box. It contains a photograph of me sitting on the shoulder of the statue of Chairman Mao in Lijiang. Those happy tears I am crying are real! You look a little like Mao, Big Bear!
What special post office box? Heh-heh. Please tell me more about the Moon Festival, especially your outfit. I know enough about Chairman Mao. I never realized that I resembled a fat, bald Chinese man in an ugly jacket -- but if you find that look hot, thank you!
Dear B.B., Please do not insult China’s Great Helmsman. Who do you think your own Great Helmsman resembles -- Brad Pitt? The Moon, or Mid-Autumn, Festival has been celebrated for 3,000 years. My illustrious government calls it an “intangible cultural heritage.” I like intangible things, but you like tangible things, don’t you, B.B.? Wink! Traditionally, during the festival we eat moon cakes and carry lanterns. Some people also celebrate by finding a new romantic partner. I think I have enough partners, with you and my husband, but if I met someone who was as dedicated to the needs of Xinhua News Agency as I am, I might have to engage in romantic activities with him, too. Perhaps he would be an American. Anything is possible in the new China.
How can you say that? I am dedicated to the Xinhua News Agency. You know I have revealed many salient truths. Did you receive the information I sent you inside the box of smoked meat sandwiches I couriered to Xinhua headquarters from Ottawa’s finest delicatessen? I slipped it into the largest pickle. You can decode it using a mirror. What other proof can I offer of my fond affection for the Xinhua News Agency? I have already given you an attractive 2010 House of Commons calendar. I also have a voucher for you for 20 percent off at Shoppers Drug Mart, so you can buy that rose-scented shampoo you like! If that’s not love, what is, my dumpling? I must go – there are 10 RCMP ghost cars parked outside my house and somebody has just banged on the front door, possibly with a battering ram.
Your Big Bear
Guess what? I am coming back to Canada for one night only! My heart is beating so much! I must meet you outside the northwest corner of CSIS headquarters at 2:49 a.m. on Friday, which is just after security guard Derek Anthony Jones, 28, goes off his shift. You must get new fingerprints made for us both so you can get us past the barriers and into the maximum-security vault without setting off alarms. We will take photographs together, which is a fun-loving thing to do! I will bring you a Beijing moon cake to eat in the vault. If you find you are sleepy afterward, don’t be concerned. You can just lie down, my darling!
P.S. Please bring the Shoppers Drug Mart discount voucher. I am almost out of shampoo.