First up for job-seekers: Buy a dictionary

I don’t know about you, but I’ve shot myself in the foot so many times over the course of my so-called career that it’s amazing I still have to buy my shoes in pairs.

Generally it has been a matter of not pursuing options rather than screwing things up. Still, when I learn about other people’s bad career moves I can always sympathize. There’s a reason the TV series Extras (Tuesdays, the Comedy Network) strikes such a chord, with the hapless Ricky Gervais as an awkward actor cursed with movie star aspirations and Joe Btflsplk luck. There but for the grace of God go the rest of us not-so-smooth operators.

Even so, most of us have not made the following gaffes. We haven’t entered an office for a job interview sniffing our armpits. We’ve never demanded that the person interviewing us leave his own office so we can take an “important” phone call. I learned about these two workplace faux pas from The Globe and Mail.

People in the process of trying to get a job seem to be amazingly hare-brained. A new website called Nothired.com provides glimpses of (nameless) real folks whose search for employment may never end. Nothired.com was the brainchild of a self-described group of “HR monkeys and hiring managers” who found themselves trading war stories about terrible candidates, ridiculous resumes, hopeless cover letters, and nutty Craigslist postings. The website states that it’s “Dedicated to all those who wonder why they were never called for an interview … Now you know.”

Among the not-hireds is the fellow who applied to be a web producer for the British Broadcasting Corporation. Nothired.com doesn’t provide his application — it doesn’t need to. It merely has to print his rejection letter from the BBC, which says, in part: “We heard about your previous internet projects and, quite frankly, you scare us. You may also like to note that calling our head of human resources a ‘skank ho’ does not gain you any plus points when being shortlisted for a position.”

Other things not to say when applying for a job are revealed in the following stream-of-consciousness sample (hint to job-seekers: try editing your consciousness). “I could do all sorts of things to be honest i could probably do your job with enough time and i could probably do it better, we can both be honest here and say that you know its true. I know my way around a computer and surprise i can do work while dicking around on the internet and talking to my girlfriend on the phone….”

I know exactly how I’d respond to that one, if I were the recruiter. “Dear Sir, Thank you for your application. We are sorry but the position of Major-General for NATO’s International Security Assistance Force in Afghanistan has been filled.”

Most potential employers would fail to be impressed by the following handful of cover letters, as featured on Nothired.com. One note begins, “To Whom it May Concern: I am looking for a new job because I just realized that everyone around this place sucks.”

“I took this job so I could have personal time to consider how to move forward in my career,” writes a different worker, who has obviously been treading water a little. “After 17 years here, I’m really ready to start my career.”

“If you want an employee who can work slowly toward a goal, then we should talk as soon as possible,” writes another, probably with a quill pen.

More disturbing generally are those who resort to advertising themselves for hire on the online job board at Craigslist. I speak, of course, of the lady (I picture a dead ringer for Lizzie Borden) who headlines her plea, “Do You Want An Axcellent Nanny?”

Under the rhetorical question “Tired of Hiring Clowns For Your Kids, Parties?” free-form punctuator “Dr. Teaball” boasts that his character “can entertain kids 6 to adult with all sorts of exotic tea samples, interesting stories and show and tell about herbs.” Few could blame Nothired.com for filing this under the heading “Worst. Birthday. Ever.”

A word to the not-so-wise: Capitalization, punctuation and spelling errors loom extremely large on Nothired.com. “why don’t I have a job?? maybe you tell me?” explodes one alleged future Employee of the Month. “I am great with everyone xcept people who think they know everything and wont hold there horses. give me a brake!!!!”

Meanwhile, karma points were probably not awarded to the candidate who noted, “I have volunteered for organizations such as March of Dims.” And ambitious dreams were likely stymied for the person who wrote that ultimately, “I am planning to become a penile corrections officer.”

Of course, there are many reasons—other than sloppiness, arrogance, incompetence, or weirdness—that a person might remain unemployed for an extended period. Under the headline “Maybe Check Where You Last Saw It,” Nothired.com excerpts a cover letter that reads: “High Graduate Looking for Office Work.”

One illustrator keen to increase his (or her) client base refers prospective clients to the myspace page where he’s posted his samples. The scene of a cartoon mushroom, cap covered in peace symbols, smoking a joint under a wasted-looking, pot-inhaling sun may reveal a tad too much about the artist’s daily routine.

Still, I’d guess there are reasonably satisfying positions out there for all of the above applicants, as long as they steer clear of conservative white collar professions. Equivalent options may not exist for this final contender.

“I can keep my mouth shut if needed and dont mind most jobs with legitimacy issues but there are certain requests i may not be able to fulfill," he writes. "i.e. Dont ask me to kill sombody.”

I had no idea Brian Mulroney was out of work.