(with apologies to Virginia O’Hanlan’s correspondence with the New York Sun, 1897)
DEAR PUBLISHER OF TRUMP MEDIA ONLINE:
I am eight years old.
Some of my little friends say the new American president is a national embarrassment.
Papa says, ‘If you see it online, it’s so.’
So please tell me the truth: Is our new President worthy of respect?
(a.k.a. Virginia O’Hanlon Nambuto Goldstein-Assiz)
Virginia, your little friends couldn’t be more poorly educated. I feel sorry for them, I really do -- they’ve obviously been corrupted by the lying media. That goes without saying, but I’ll say it because I tell it like it is, not like some overpaid, crack-addict kindergarten teacher from the projects who wants you tiny morons to feel good about yourselves. Not only are the deceitful, horrible media all crooks, so are your little friends.
I wonder how “little” they are, really. They’re probably all obese, judging by your last name: Irish, African, Jewish, terrorist. How many guys did your mother “marry” – quotation marks! -- anyway? I’ve been married a few times myself, but they were all hot -- everybody agrees with me -- which maybe your mother is, too. That's in the realm of possibility, though I seriously, seriously doubt it. After I become president, and I’m announcing this here for the first time, you can send your mom somewhere to be assessed officially, to see if she rates. I’m setting up a national archive for that, trust me. My sons will be in charge. They have excellent taste, like me, the best taste. This will be a classy hotness archive that will last for all time.
Anyway, back to your friends, little or not, probably not little. Those who don’t respect me as the winning, top-shelf, quality new president should be locked up, and they will be. Virginia, there’s no way you should listen to these creeps. They’re eight, nine, three. They didn’t vote, and judging from their opinions, their parents didn’t vote, or even graduate from grade school, or if they did, they didn’t vote because they were too lazy, or they voted wrong because they can’t read.
Obviously, your friends’ parents don’t want America to be great again -- they want it to be below average, a D-minus or F-plus country, like Canada. As I like to say, sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make, and frankly, I don’t think these friends of yours, these fatties, deserve any investment from any government, or even the investment of you telling them to have a good day. Believe me! They’re future drug addicts, rapists -- at best, they’re Walmart shoplifters. After they get out of juvenile detention, if they ever get out, they may be allowed to build my wall against Mexicans. Mexico’s going to be paying bottom dollar for those workers but, no question, there will be a lineup for jobs. It's what I do!
Your friends believe the new American president -- me, I won, in case you hadn’t heard! -- isn’t worth respecting? You might as well believe that the white Americans who built this country aren’t superior to all those other losers who’ve been riding our coattails for 300 years! You might as well think global warming is real and that most gays want nothing more than a nice church wedding and a set of triplets! Did you ever see fairies dancing on a lawn? Probably not, but these ones are out of the closet and I’m going to stop all that -- they’re disgusting.
Nobody’s interested in your friends’ dreams, or yours. This presidency is going to be a reality machine. Virginia, there’s only one thing worth believing in. That’s the Trump brand, whether you’re ordering steaks for your friends -- the ignorant pigs -- or mixing vodka martinis for your inner-city teachers for recess, or thinking about what America stands for in 2017.
Disrespect a Trump presidency? A thousand years from now, Virginia, a golden statue of me will tower over the Statue of Liberty, probably very close behind her, some people might not like how close -- who cares? The sun will rise and fall on this statue. And if you don’t respect that, kid, you’re an idiot.